Making Mama Proud

But it all comes from good intentions, I guess. I mean, I know that now. I didn’t realize a lot of that back in the day when I was younger, and I’m still learning to take advice or at least have a little more patience in taking the time to listen or hear what people have to say.

And I think my mom’s a pretty smart cookie. She’s fucking funny, honest, sassy and ain’t afraid to tell it like it is. Whether it’s telling me off or telling off my dad or my brother Nathan, the chick doesn’t mess around. And I don’t mean just telling us off in a negative way. I mean, she always has valid thoughts and opinions, words of wisdom , and the most random facts all stored in her mental file. So I was thinking, you know what? Many of you write and ask for advice - some of you guys write serious stuff and a lot of you write stupid bullshit stuff. All in good fun, I know. But my point is, you guys want to banter and you want to hear what’s up and seem to want concrete answers on certain things, so who better to throw in their two cents in regards to your questions than my mom, Dibi Fletcher?

And let’s be honest here…do you really want to get advice from me? Fuck, I just might make your problem even worse.

So, fuckers, here it is. The “Dear Christian” section on here will now be “She is Dibi: Hear Her Roar” from now on. And we’re serious. Ask her anything. You won’t get a more brutally - yet humorous - straight forward answer the way you would from Dib. Don’t be shy. If you leave skid marks on your underwear and want to know what kind of laundry detergent to use, ask her. If you’re in financial despair and feel suicidial, ask her how to get out of that rut. Ask her about anything and everything. She may not have the best answer but she’ll definitely give you an answer.

After all, she is Dibi. Hear her roar.

The first installment, down below.

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Hey Dibi,

It burns when I pee and I think she lied about her age. What do I do?

- TJ Harris

Hey Dibi,

So should I call my advice section “Dear Christian” or “Hey Christian” or something else all together? I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter, I guess.

Anyway, here are some questions I got from readers recently. And for those of you who don’t see your question here, don’t you fret. I’m wading through quite a bunch but will get through each of them when I fucking feel like it. Keep ‘em coming. You guys have a lot of good questions. I’m stoked to see that there are a lot of people out there who are a lot more confused than I am. I don’t know what my comments and suggestions would exactly do for you, but I don’t mind giving you the guidance you seek, grasshopper.

And, again, I left all typos and errors as is. I like to laugh at grammatical blunders.

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My left nut is the bully of my bag, and is always pushing around my right nut . How can I get them to both just ..get a long ?

From: Jono McGee

Wow, sorry to hear about that. Are your testicles deformed? You may have a descended nut. This may be the reason why one dominates the other. Try wearing a jock strap 24/7. Maybe that’ll give you some leverage. Actually, I’m feeling uncomfortable talking about this. I’ve committed way too much time talking about your kibbles n bits.

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Dear Christian, why is Michael Jackson strange?

From: Paul Ruth

Paul, some people are just born that way. And some people are a result of their environment and childhood. I think all of the above apply to him. I just know he looked creepy as fuck. All ghostly white with bugged-out eyes and dangly oily-looking jericurles. And would it have killed the fucker to have looked in the mirror while he dressed? Bitch put clothes on as if he were blind or dressed in the dark or something.

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hey christian.. where can i get tweak freaks on dvd??

From: Dave Anzara

In the coming months, we’re going to upload a bunch of new footage as well as archived stuff like “Tweak Freaks”, “Savage Beast”, “Smut Peddler” and other stuff so keep checking back here.

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Hi Christian,

Do you like skating better or surfing?

From: Barricuda Barney

I like whatever I’m doing at the time. But you know what’s really fucking rad? Juggling. That’s right. Juggling. Surf, skate, juggle.

I welcome anybody who visits my site. Friends, haters, lovers, fans, groupies, Republicans, dick-draggers, skateboarders, snowboarders, Wall Street types, nerds, Eskimos, borderline retards, tennis players, Angelina Jolie, Rabbis, Lutherans, boxers, violinists, pastry chefs, shit-talkers, people with bunions on their feet, fat chicks, skanks, bankers, artists, musicians, hillbillies, cross-eyed kooks, unicorns, dentists, longboarders, ping-pong players, the whole state of Alaska, tap dancers, vegetarians, carnivores, clowns, diabetics, cholos, crips, bloods, groms, old-timers, taggers, yoga instructors, lispers, Armenians, architects, actors, and especially your sister and your mom.

Whoever, whatever, whenever. It’s all good.

I hope you’ll stay along for the ride.