Greyson Fletcher: The Next Pilot At Flight Academy

Nathan’s been back in town and he’s been surfing a lot with Bruce Irons, who’s also in town for the summer. They’ve been coming around Astrodeck and hanging out here in San Clemente. Bruce grabbed some Wave Warriors and Christian Fletcher t-shirts. Little fucker’s got some good taste.

We’ve all been skating, too. In fact, just went last night to the San Clemente Skate Park. Bruce is stoked on Greyson and wants to take skate lessons from him. Haha, he even filmed Greyson on his iPhone going balls-out at the skate park; Greyson fucking flies.

But what’s up with all these kids riding scooters? They’re sissying shit up with their scooters and rollerblades; wearing knee pads, elbow pads, helmets, wristguards, shinguards, mouth pieces, damn hockey masks, bras, girdles, jock straps…I mean, don’t get me wrong on this subject. Safety is definitely important, especially on a little grom. But seems like kids are just too babied nowadays.

Things were so different back when I was a kid. We just went skating, you know? Just got up and left. We didn’t have to fucking make it such a huge deal to pack stuff up and worry about shit. If we got hurt, we sucked it up. You cracked your skull? Tough. Duct tape the shit out of it, fag. Brain matter spilling out to the pavement? You’re fine. You gouged your knee?  It’s spouting blood out like a sprinkler system? Too bad, crybaby. Get back on that half-pipe and don’t get off it until you do a handplant. That’s an order!

These Soccer Moms come to the skate parks in their SUV tanks and just unleash their kids, who, for the most part, are just kinda lazying around and being in the way with their scooters. And it’s so funny when these moms get all pissed when actual skateboarders come to ride the SKATE park. They seem to vibe you with some kind of sense of entitlement. They don’t like it when their little Bartholomew has his scooter kicked away from the combi-bowl.

But what I really love are the moms who bust out their cell phones and call the cops. That’s a scene in itself; When you see all the skate kids without the proper “safety uniform” run to the hills to hide. They don’t want to get busted and be given a ticket. So it’s funny when they haul on ass outta there. It’s like when you turn the lights on in a seedy motel room and the cockroaches go scurrying off, seeking shelter in the dark. Hahaha. That’s exactly what it’s like at these skate parks when the pigs show up and wanna cite the groms $265 tickets for not wearing proper gear.

Haha, that’s pretty much what happened to Greyson last night. The kid just bailed. Bruce, Nathan, Greyson and I were skating when those donut-hogging assholes suddenly showed up after some scoot bitches had a blistering hemorrhoid over our mere presence and called them. What tattletales. The next thing I know is that Greyson’s gone. Peaced on out in 10 seconds flat. Couldn’t find him anywhere. Finally realized that he had jumped a barbed wire fence, tore his pants, and was hiding out in the bushes across the street.

I should buy Greyson some camo paint so he can smear that shit on his face and blend in with the plants more naturally next time.

So should I call my advice section “Dear Christian” or “Hey Christian” or something else all together? I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter, I guess.

Anyway, here are some questions I got from readers recently. And for those of you who don’t see your question here, don’t you fret. I’m wading through quite a bunch but will get through each of them when I fucking feel like it. Keep ‘em coming. You guys have a lot of good questions. I’m stoked to see that there are a lot of people out there who are a lot more confused than I am. I don’t know what my comments and suggestions would exactly do for you, but I don’t mind giving you the guidance you seek, grasshopper.

And, again, I left all typos and errors as is. I like to laugh at grammatical blunders.

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My left nut is the bully of my bag, and is always pushing around my right nut . How can I get them to both just ..get a long ?

From: Jono McGee

Wow, sorry to hear about that. Are your testicles deformed? You may have a descended nut. This may be the reason why one dominates the other. Try wearing a jock strap 24/7. Maybe that’ll give you some leverage. Actually, I’m feeling uncomfortable talking about this. I’ve committed way too much time talking about your kibbles n bits.

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Dear Christian, why is Michael Jackson strange?

From: Paul Ruth

Paul, some people are just born that way. And some people are a result of their environment and childhood. I think all of the above apply to him. I just know he looked creepy as fuck. All ghostly white with bugged-out eyes and dangly oily-looking jericurles. And would it have killed the fucker to have looked in the mirror while he dressed? Bitch put clothes on as if he were blind or dressed in the dark or something.

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hey christian.. where can i get tweak freaks on dvd??

From: Dave Anzara

In the coming months, we’re going to upload a bunch of new footage as well as archived stuff like “Tweak Freaks”, “Savage Beast”, “Smut Peddler” and other stuff so keep checking back here.

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Hi Christian,

Do you like skating better or surfing?

From: Barricuda Barney

I like whatever I’m doing at the time. But you know what’s really fucking rad? Juggling. That’s right. Juggling. Surf, skate, juggle.