Making Mama Proud

But it all comes from good intentions, I guess. I mean, I know that now. I didn’t realize a lot of that back in the day when I was younger, and I’m still learning to take advice or at least have a little more patience in taking the time to listen or hear what people have to say.

And I think my mom’s a pretty smart cookie. She’s fucking funny, honest, sassy and ain’t afraid to tell it like it is. Whether it’s telling me off or telling off my dad or my brother Nathan, the chick doesn’t mess around. And I don’t mean just telling us off in a negative way. I mean, she always has valid thoughts and opinions, words of wisdom , and the most random facts all stored in her mental file. So I was thinking, you know what? Many of you write and ask for advice - some of you guys write serious stuff and a lot of you write stupid bullshit stuff. All in good fun, I know. But my point is, you guys want to banter and you want to hear what’s up and seem to want concrete answers on certain things, so who better to throw in their two cents in regards to your questions than my mom, Dibi Fletcher?

And let’s be honest here…do you really want to get advice from me? Fuck, I just might make your problem even worse.

So, fuckers, here it is. The “Dear Christian” section on here will now be “She is Dibi: Hear Her Roar” from now on. And we’re serious. Ask her anything. You won’t get a more brutally - yet humorous - straight forward answer the way you would from Dib. Don’t be shy. If you leave skid marks on your underwear and want to know what kind of laundry detergent to use, ask her. If you’re in financial despair and feel suicidial, ask her how to get out of that rut. Ask her about anything and everything. She may not have the best answer but she’ll definitely give you an answer.

After all, she is Dibi. Hear her roar.

The first installment, down below.

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Hey Dibi,

It burns when I pee and I think she lied about her age. What do I do?

- TJ Harris

Hey Dibi,

So should I call my advice section “Dear Christian” or “Hey Christian” or something else all together? I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter, I guess.

Anyway, here are some questions I got from readers recently. And for those of you who don’t see your question here, don’t you fret. I’m wading through quite a bunch but will get through each of them when I fucking feel like it. Keep ‘em coming. You guys have a lot of good questions. I’m stoked to see that there are a lot of people out there who are a lot more confused than I am. I don’t know what my comments and suggestions would exactly do for you, but I don’t mind giving you the guidance you seek, grasshopper.

And, again, I left all typos and errors as is. I like to laugh at grammatical blunders.

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My left nut is the bully of my bag, and is always pushing around my right nut . How can I get them to both just ..get a long ?

From: Jono McGee

Wow, sorry to hear about that. Are your testicles deformed? You may have a descended nut. This may be the reason why one dominates the other. Try wearing a jock strap 24/7. Maybe that’ll give you some leverage. Actually, I’m feeling uncomfortable talking about this. I’ve committed way too much time talking about your kibbles n bits.

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Dear Christian, why is Michael Jackson strange?

From: Paul Ruth

Paul, some people are just born that way. And some people are a result of their environment and childhood. I think all of the above apply to him. I just know he looked creepy as fuck. All ghostly white with bugged-out eyes and dangly oily-looking jericurles. And would it have killed the fucker to have looked in the mirror while he dressed? Bitch put clothes on as if he were blind or dressed in the dark or something.

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hey christian.. where can i get tweak freaks on dvd??

From: Dave Anzara

In the coming months, we’re going to upload a bunch of new footage as well as archived stuff like “Tweak Freaks”, “Savage Beast”, “Smut Peddler” and other stuff so keep checking back here.

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Hi Christian,

Do you like skating better or surfing?

From: Barricuda Barney

I like whatever I’m doing at the time. But you know what’s really fucking rad? Juggling. That’s right. Juggling. Surf, skate, juggle.

I’ve been getting a lot of emails and messages from people all over the world. Most of these people just want to say “hi” and get all nostalgic and stuff. But a lot of people have also been randomly writing me and asking me for advice. Haha. How funny is that? Me, Christian Fletcher, giving advice to people as if I were “Dear Abby”.

But that gave me the idea to go with it. Why not? Why would my opinions and advice be any less valid than some old biddy who writes for the paper? These people who are writing me aren’t asking for a RIGHT answer. They’re just asking me for MY answer. And if that’s what they want, that’s what I’ll give them.

So if there are any of you out there who want an honest opinion or a thought from a third party source, hit me up on here. Ask whatever ails ya. You may not like what I have to say but, come on, you knew what you were getting into with me.

Below are just some of the questions I’ve been getting and that I thought should be addressed. I cut and pasted the messages as is so don’t blame me for the writing errors and typos. I can’t help it that some of my readers are semi-retarded.

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Yo Christian,

whats up bro, good to See you online and with your own website . its fucking sick! I’ve always pretty much thought you have been the raddest surfer ever and what you say goes so I was wondering you got any advice for a guy like me? i’m bumming on life right now bro. No job, no girlfriend, doing the couch tour at friends houses and their wives or girlfriends all hate me. I knwo youve been thru tough times how do you always come back up?

Andrew S.

Hey Andrew,

Well I’ve always lived with the motto, fuck the world before it fucks you. This world is all about the good, the bad, and the ugly and sometimes you feel stuck in a rut and can’t dig yourself out and other times, it’s like, fuck it. I’m over it. I’m gonna live life to the fullest and nothing’s gonna stop me. But I do believe there’s a time and place for everything. I’m older now and I see that more clearly now. But, hey, it’s super early in the morning for me now and I can’t really give you a solid answer. I’m hungry. Do you like breakfast burritos?

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Hi Christian!

I have a crush on you! I think you’re so cute! Go out with me!

<3 Lindsay<3

Hey Lindsay,

Oh, yeah? Suck it then. Vigorously.

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Christian fuckging fletcher

Mr. Fletcher! you the best! how do you catch such huge air so high? you must be part bird

Newps Wave Warrior

Hey Newps,

If I told you, then I’d have to kill you. And I’m not feeling very violent and hostile this week.

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Fletcher,

howzit? You coming to Hawaii this year? Waves been pretty good but I heard cali’s had a good winter so far. Do you still speak to Ray Rodrigquez? Tell him i said wassup. I saw your movie on here A world you can’t Imagine and have to say it’s off the hook. Your crazy man lol! How long were you in Bali for? that your kid in the video?

Rudolofo Esteban

Hey Rudolofo,

You have a weird name. It makes me laugh. Haha. Rudolofo. Not Rudolf but Ru-do-lof-o. Hahahahahahahaha. It’s not easy to pronounce, either. Do a slight change to your name by going with Rudolfo instead of Rudolofo. Or better yet, just change your name to Hal.

WHO BETTER TO JUDGE THAN HE WHO HAS BEEN JUDGED?

I’ve been judged my whole life and now it’s my turn.

Simon Cowell announced last week that he was gonna exit his stay as a judge on American Idol after this season. About time. British fucker’s a puss and way too delicate and nice when it comes to judging, I think. I’d be a lot more opinionated and a lot less conservative in my views and comments. If some little kid came in to audition, I wouldn’t be all, “Awwww…what a sweet kid.” If he or she sucked, I’d tell them to quit while they were ahead and to look forward to a career in the fast food industry. Better to have them wake-up now to reality than later, you know? Like, beat it, you loser. Your song choice was terrible, a squawking chicken would sound more attractive,  you lisp, your’e cross-eyed, and you couldn’t be the Ukraine’s Next Idol let alone America’s. So FUCK OFF!

The truth hurts but I’m a firm believer in not leading people on. I mean we’re talking about making or breaking careers here.

If Ellen DeGeneres could be a judge, why not me? I mean, seriously, who better to judge than he who has been judged? That’s why I was super stoked when I got a call and was put on the “maybe” list of potential guest judges for next year’s season. The show needs variety and change and they’ve come to the right person. I’m hoping some death metal acts will audition and maybe even some Chinese rappers. Hey, I’m all about variety. If it’s good, it’s good no matter what the genre of music is or who’s singing it.

The only thing that would make me hestiate in joining the American Idol show is Ryan Seacrest. What a fucking fruit. He’s like one of those annoying little chihuahuas that won’t shut the fuck up. And he asks such stupid, typical boring questions to the contestants. What a twat.

So, anyway, I’ve been thinking about going on the show ever since I got the call asking if I was interested. I think it’d be a trip. Funny for sure. What else are people gonna call me for? To take over Conan O’Brien’s spot? Or help Obama get his head out of his own ass?

American Idol contestants, I’ll see you from the judges table next season. It’s on.

It’s so weird to me that people lie unnecessarily. Let me explain what I mean by that.

We all lie. To say you never lie, would be a lie. I mean, you know, we’ve all lied to our parents, siblings, maybe teachers. Some people lie to figures of authority. I can understand all of that.

To cover your tracks, to get out of a jam, to try to “lessen” the blow and maybe try to be nice when the situation is awkward and bad. Maybe we lie to even make people feel better or give them some kind of comfort and compliment. I’m not saying lies like this are better and noble, but it happens and it is what it is.

But what trips me out are people who lie when they don’t HAVE to lie. Ok. Let’s say, you have a really cool friend. Super nice guy. But he’s so fugly and looks like a chupacabra. I mean, seriously, the guy’s face is beat. And he’s crying that no chicks would ever date him cause he’s so ragged and hideous. Now, you can either just ignore his comments and not say a thing. Or…you can be like, “Hey, man. You’re not so bad. You’re not Quasimodo.” Now you know he’s way more ugly than Quasimodo…but you lied to try to make him feel a little better. That’s not so bad, is it?

But what about people who, out of the fucking blue, for no reason say things like “Oh man, I just got barreled at Pipe with no one else out and no one regulating. I’m going to be on the cover of this surf mag, blah, blah, blah.” Like why would you say that when there are probably 400 people who could disclaim you and call you out on your lie?

The funniest one I recently heard was some guy telling me how, off the www.astrodeck.com site, he had just ordered eight “Wave Warriors” and “Tweak Freaks” dvds…what a lame fuck. Those films aren’t even on the site and we sure as fuck don’t have them on dvd. What the hell? Why? It’s just weird to me. Saying shit like that doesn’t impress me. It makes me think you’re mentally deranged and a huge ass kisser.

While thinking about doing my own little “Man Of The Street” Q&A’s with random people, I’ve been thinking about who I’d like to interview or have a conversation with that are now dead. You know, just random shit, shoot the breeze.

In my life, I’ve known a lot of people who have come and gone. A few really good friends who have now passed on and who I wouldn’t mind getting caught up with. Three good buddies that I’ve lost are Justin Roberson - a great surfer, and who I had the best times with in Hawaii. Parker Mitchell, another friend and ex-Hell’s Angels, and Chris Williams who was in the band Mutilage with me. Man, good memories with those guys. Miss ‘em all. The talks we’d have now; I wonder how much they would have changed or not changed had they still been alive today. What would be going on in their lives now? Would we still be friends now? I’m hoping that would be yes.

As far as entertainers go, it’d be pretty cool to hit up a conversation with Jimi Hendrix. My parents Herbie and Dibi were in a movie with him back in the day. Maybe you’ve seen it: “Rainbow Bridge”. That was before my time. I’d ask him about his surf music. Heavy guitar. What happened to the surf music and why was it never going to be heard? Did Dick Dale have something to do with it?

And I wouldn’t just want to have tender, civilized talks with these guys. I’d want to chat with random gnarly people like, how about Merlin the fucking Magician? That’d be pretty cool. Don’t know if I’d actually chat with him or just fucking stare and watch him do some crazy shit with his magic and wand. Fuck Harry Potter. Merlin’s the shit. I’d ask him to turn some people I dislike into trolls, maggots and someone’s constant dried-out prison bitch.

What about having lunch or dinner with Vlad the Impaler? You know, the real Count Dracula. This guy was fucking insane. No mercy. Evil son of a bitch. I can picture myself having some eggs benedict at his place while he drank a champagne glass full of blood…you know, out there on the veranda, cold dreary day in Transylvania with the stench of his victims everywhere, their decapitated heads all lined up, surrounding the fort, and blocking what would have been a beautiful view of the natural landscape. Maybe he’d ask me about surfing and doing judo airs, and I’d ask him just what the fuck was wrong with him to do and think the way he does. Fucking nutball.

If I were still into drugs and got strung-out, I think it’d be pretty cool to hang out with Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols. But being sober now and seeing as how that lifestyle is a thing of the past for me, maybe it wouldn’t appeal to me as much. I don’t know. I guess I don’t have to be high to talk shit with Sid.

Those are just some people off the top of my head that I’d like to interview and talk with. Dead people, that is. What about you guys? Who would you like to meet and ask questions to?

And, oh yeah, I guess I wouldn’t mind meeting Marilyn Monroe, too. Obviously, I’d ask her if she knew who killed her. Then I’d ask her if her carpet really matched her drapes.

Back from the tradeshow in Florida and already back to the grind here at Astrodeck. Uploaded another Q&A session I had with my mom. So check that out. Part 3 in a series. Gotta hand it to Dibi, she asks some pretty good questions.

Watch it here: Christian Fletcher: The Pipeline Prowler

And speaking of questions, I’m throwing the suggestion out there, anyone who wants to ask me anything and everything…well, you can. Either comment and write here or write me on my Fan Page Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/pages/Christian-Fletcher/195488988687) and ask away. If I dig your question, I might include it in my video blogs. Should be pretty sick. And now that I’m back, I can really concentrate and focus on doing my own little man-on-the-street type of interviews with random people, all walks of life.

Like, if I come across some trophy wife/soccer mom from the OC, I wouldn’t hesitate in asking her some gnarly things. For instance, “Would you drink the after-birth liquid of a hyena for $100,000?” I love seeing reactions. Love the unexpected answers. Being caught off guard. Fuck, yeah. I want to see the grimace on her face.

Yeah. You’re done here. Go check out the video now.

It’s always interesting to me how people have such perceptions and stereotypes of people. And especially people we don’t know. Hey, I’m guilty of doing that as well so it’s not like I’m writing this to condemn or condone. It’s just an observation and I’m writing it down.

Like, if I told someone I was a member of Mensa, I know what their reaction(s) would be. They’d be shocked, appalled, scared and questioning. And probably with good reason.

What if I were a fan of showtunes and knew the complete words, dialogue and dance steps to “Auntie Mame” and “West Side Story”? So?

What if I were a subscriber to the Wall Street Journal?

Maybe I weep during a great performance watching an opera.

Could I be any more dedicated to playing music on my grand piano?

I could have aspirations to be a contestant on Jeopardy one day. Who knows? You don’t know what I know. Maybe I know more than you. Maybe I know less than you. Alex Trebek wears a killer suit all the time.

Maybe one day I’ll go back to school. Culinary school? I think I could make a mean quiche if I really put my mind to it.

People have commented on here and on my Facebook about not being able to wrap their minds when it comes to me and sitting in front of a computer and blogging and networking. I guess they expect me to be out, bouncing off the walls 24/7 or on a skateboard nonstop. Shit, like I’m supposed to be out in the water surfing morning, day, and night. Well, I actually would if the swell was always that good and consistent…Anyway, my point is, I guess people want me to be out getting tatted up or busting out air or rock ‘n’ rolling all day and partying ev-er-y night.

But fuck, maybe…just maybe…sometimes I just like to sit in front of the monitor, cup of joe by my side, and read emails sent to be by my buddy Mark Gabriel. Mark sends me motivational photos with nature and fluffy little animals. That’s always inspirational. What? What are you laughing at? It’s true. Mark’s like fucking Confucius with all these life lesson sayings he sends to me in those emails. Haha. Fucken’ Scabs.

Well, I’m done writing for now. Maybe I’ll go work on a crossword puzzle now.

Word To Your Mother

Interview I did with my mom at Astrodeck Headquarters.  Part 1 in a series. Gonna start doing more random things like this and video-blog (vlog) everything. Should be interesting…

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Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

SUCKERS!!!